October marks Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) Awareness Month, also called National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and the ACS is providing education and resources each week to support surgeons and care teams. This week looks at the abusive behaviors associated with IPV, which are learned over time and are influenced by one’s life experiences.
Abusive Behaviors
Abusive behaviors can seem like typical reactions or excused as “just the way someone is.” But these behaviors can become a pattern that can lead to more abuse, perpetuating IPV. Some common abusive behaviors include, among other:
- Getting angry, insecure, or possessive about a partner's relationships with others, including friends, family, or coworkers
- Frequently calling or texting a partner to check up on them or make them or expect them to check in with you or monitor their movements or behaviors
- Feeling like a partner needs your permission to go out, get a job, go to school, or spend time with others
- Getting upset when a partner will not act the way you want them to or do the things you want
Victim Behaviors
The reactions of an abuser’s partner can also provide signs that their behavior may be abusive. Some common reactions from a partner experiencing abuse include, among others:
- Seeming nervous around their partner
- Seeming afraid of their partner
- Flinching, cringing, or retreating when their partner is emotional
- Crying because of something their partner prevented them from doing or from something their partner forced them to do
Having the Difficult Conversation
Expressing concern and talking to an abusive person is an important part of preventing IPV and needs to be done carefully. Safety for everyone, especially those experiencing the violence and others exposed, needs to be the priority. And always remember to keep yourself safe.
Some important considerations for this conversation include, among others:
- Choosing the right time and place to talk
- Approaching the abuser when they are calm and offer help
- Being direct and clear about what you have seen and what worries you
- Reminding them that you care about them
- Avoiding fighting with the abuser or forcing them to do anything, which can make things more dangerous for victims
- Reminding them that there is hope and they can change
If they deny the abuse or they do not want your help, tell them that you are concerned for their safety and the safety of their partner and others involved. Never argue with them about their abusive or violent behavior. If they have children, remind them that you are concerned about the children’s safety and emotional well-being. And remember to keep the lines of communication open and offer to go with the abuser if they need additional information or support.
If you or other participants in the conversation feel like you are in danger, call the police.
There are resources available to explore, understand, and support positive change:
